


Lost In The World

by RosieRaven



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 01:26:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosieRaven/pseuds/RosieRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's true we deceived everyone, but not everything was a lie</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost In The World

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly this fic just wrote itself. Based off of the dialogue in chapter 48 - so Manga spoilers ahoy.
> 
> Posting this in the middle of the night so sorry for any spelling/grammar errors. Also my first time writing something in the first person so yeah.

_“Bertholdt!”_

I was already close to the end of my rope when I heard his voice. Jean was there, right on the other side of Reiner's fingers. I had wished with all the feeling there was in me that I'd never have to face him again. 

He tried cajoling me at first; as if we could just forget it had ever happened. But there was no going back from this. I knew it and somewhere deep down he had to know it too.

“...but you slept _soundly_ , didn't you,” Jean accused, his voice twisting with bitterness.

“ _Was it all a lie_?” 

***

Jean knelt in front of the blaze. He had been there for a long time now, and everyone hovered but did nothing.

“He shouldn't be alone,” someone whispered.

The comment hung in the air and I slowly noticed they were all looking at me. Confusion welled up in my chest. Why did they expect me to be able to comfort him? It was true that we had snuck out of the barracks together more than a few times. But time spent fooling around in the storage shed together didn't exactly create _intimacy_. 

I didn't know what to do. His best friend was dead. There's no comfort in the world for that. How could anyone do _anything_ for him, let alone me? They all looked at me with an impossible expectation. While Jean sat and cried. They were right, he shouldn't be alone.

I sat next to him in the dirt, leaving space between us. To be honest I don't think he even noticed I was there at first. By the time his sobs subsided the fire was starting to die and the others had all left. He gazed vacantly at the pyre. When I slid a hand under his elbow he let me help him up and lead him back toward the impromptu barracks where we were being kept.

As I slowly opened the door and stepped into the hall, I realized that I had no idea where his room was. He just stood there, letting me lead him around like a calf. I couldn't bear to break the silence with a question as silly as, 'where is your room?'

So I lead him to mine. Though there were three beds in the room, I was the only one sleeping there now. To be honest I wasn't sure if my roommates had simply moved out to find comfort in other beds, or if they had been in the pyre we just lit.

He seemed to come back to himself slightly at the sound of the door clicking shut. “I'm sorry,” he said hoarsely as he sat bonelessly on my bed. I couldn't be certain he was even speaking to me. 

Sleep; it probably wouldn't make anything better but what else could we do?

I knelt and pulled off his boots. His uniform pants which he normally kept so pristine were stained with dirt. When I started to remove his harness he seemed to come out of it slightly and helped me undress him. 

I gently cleaned his face with a wet cloth. For a minute I didn't think he was going to let me touch his hands but then he sighed and held them out to me. He let out a ragged sob as I cleaned the ashes from them and for a moment I thought he was going to lose it again. There were red marks on his palms from where his own fingernails had bit into the skin.

I pulled one of my extra shirts from the chest at the foot of my bed and he pulled it on. He didn’t resist as I slowly herded him under the blankets. Thankfully he seemed to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Exhaustion hit me like a wave. I thought about going somewhere else to sleep but I felt too guilty; I couldn't in good conscience leave him alone. I cleaned up and changed. I gingerly slid into the bed, and gave him as much space as I could. 

I didn't remember falling asleep but I remembered waking up. Though I had fallen asleep neatly tucked to the side, I woke up completely tangled with the blankets and the other boy in bed with me. His face was buried against my chest and one of my gangly legs was thrown over him. I took me a few minutes to realize what had woken me up. His hips were between my legs; and he was moving.

I started breathing erratically. Part of me screamed that he was grieving and therefore I _shouldn't_ and another screamed back that he was grieving and therefore I _should_. His hands clutched my shoulders and I wanted so desperately to fix it for him, even though I knew I couldn't. He kissed me, just pressing our closed lips together as hard as he could. When he pulled away he pressed his face against my shoulder.

“The fuck is wrong with me,” he panted. I wanted to say 'nothing', but that just sounded like a platitude. I've never been good with words. I pulled my arms around him tightly. Though I knew I couldn’t say the right thing, maybe I could do something right. 

I pressed my lips to the top of his head and when he lifted his face again we kissed. His mouth was familiar territory. His kisses were quick and desperate and he purposefully rubbed his body against mine. “Jean,” I hissed.

“Please Bert,” he whispered. “Please, I just don't want to think.”

I rolled him over onto his back, resting my lower body between his legs. I tugged our clothing out of the way, slowly, in case he changed his mind. An errant thought ran through my head that this was the fist time we had actually done this in a bed.

After preparing us both, I sank into him and his limbs wrapped tightly around me. I moved slowly at first, trying to be slow and gentle, but he was having none of it. He lifted his hips and clawed my back with his fingernails.

I obliged him by picking up the pace. I pulled his hips up off the mattress and he had to throw his hands up over his head to brace himself against the headboard. The bed bumped into the wall forcefully but we were beyond caring. 

I remember feeling surprised and strangely elated as he cried my name. I finished with him. Though we were both too warm and coated with sweat, our bodies remained entwined. I fell asleep with his head cradled on my chest.

***

I woke up to the sound of buckles clinking. Jean had put on his dirty pants, but was still wearing my shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed untangling his harness. In the sunlight coming through the window he almost seemed like his usual self. He turned to me and rested his hand on mine, almost timidly. He said nothing but surprisingly leaned in and kissed me briefly on the mouth. I rose and started to dress.

He looked around the empty room. “Are you in here by yourself?”

I shrugged, “I suppose so.”

“Do you mind if I take one of the beds in here?” he blurted, “My room – everyone's gone and I don't want to be in there anymore.”

I should have said no. After the night before he was already closer than I was comfortable with. I had always kept everyone at arms length. But in that moment I couldn't bring myself to refuse him.

He may have honestly intended to use one of the other beds, but every night he wound up in mine. We still didn't talk much, but unlike most of the silences that surrounded me, the ones with him were never awkward. 

Maybe he wondered if I joined the Legion because of him. He never asked me about it, which made me grateful that I didn't have to think up a lie. Moving into the legion barracks didn't change anything. Though we rarely spent our days together, night nearly always found us in the same bed. 

I told myself it was alright. Reiner was friends with all of them wasn't he? I deserved this small happiness. One connection with another human being where I could forget what I was. I deserved it; this one thing that I wanted. It was only fair, wasn't it?

When we were together everything else fell away. The fear, the death, the past – all of it was gone.

But like every good thing in my life, it couldn't last.

***

“ _Was it all a lie_?” 

The words stung in a way I hadn't thought was possible. I could feel it, the wall that I had kept so carefully guarded for the past five years crumbling. My face was wet; how long had I been crying?

“It _wasn't_ a lie, Jean!” My voice broke as I shouted his name. I needed him to know. I needed him to believe me. My eyes found his through the gaps in Reiner’s fingers. 

“It's true we deceived everyone, _but not everything was a lie_.”


End file.
